Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i will never coherently bang her
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
