marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
look no pants
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
