we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
