fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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