I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
it's like iHOP with fire
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
