I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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