U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
