I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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