I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
