If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
