I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
