She's JV to your varsity
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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