yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
