I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize