This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
