we have pet lesbian snakes
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
