So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
