guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i will never coherently bang her
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
