I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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