I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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