"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
