Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
