There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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