WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
