my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
