I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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