awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Randomize
