Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
