dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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