the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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