My liver just broke up with me...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
