My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
