I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
