you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
