I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
