So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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