...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
