but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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