I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
is that a dick in a sweater?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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