you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
