I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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