You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
