you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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