I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
