my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
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