oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
