I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
