Quick, to the slutcave!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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