he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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