My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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