i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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