no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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