I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
