So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
