:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
