Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
