Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
