I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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