Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Randomize
