Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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