just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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