sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
