sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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