my mouth tastes like poor choices
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
