Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize