It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
