Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize