I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize