I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
