I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
